Between Coronavirus hysteria and Special Educational Needs parenting with depression, there seem infinite Grounds For Despair. But for my sense of humour, I might be found dangling from a roof-beam in the garage, swinging like a Smiths back-catalogue metronome in the breeze.
I am blessed, however, with a character that seeks to overcome and to survive; the same feisty-wiring-sense-of-humour that didn’t endear me to my son’s father, predisposes me mercilessly to mock the moronic, and successfully earned me a House of Commons – headed apology when the DWP got cute with me a few years ago.
Brain injury did not diminish my intellect but, as it dispensed almost entirely with most of the coping mechanisms that I had used until that point (not entirely a bad thing, as it turns out), my sense of humour has had to take centre stage on many an occasion.
Pathogenesis has brought a new contender to limit overall population numbers, the Coronavirus. This causes a variety of colds and influenza symptoms, rating from moderate to severe. The elderly and those with compromised immunity due to pre-existing diseases are more vulnerable. The new strain – COVID-19, was identified in China in December 2019 and has spread quickly throughout the world. In the panic, sales of antibacterial hand gel and toilet rolls have rocketed exponentially as people have sought to stockpile products in a bid for survival. Pasta, rice, soap and toilet rolls seem to have disappeared from most major retail outlets, thanks to an hysteria that does not strike me as at all rational.
However, the same hysteria has swept the nation for some time and has meant the appearance of bizarre specimens such as ‘woke’ people, and those who crowdfunded a balloon which caricatured American President Donald Trump as a baby, to be flown above the Houses of Parliament for the duration of his visit to the UK, rather than to pay for something useful, like legal fees for the thousands of families with special-needs children who have been ignored by the education system and most public sector services in the last few years.
As one who has peered powerlessly out at a world shot to shreds, in my opinion, my need to keep my head requires humour, especially as there is not much to laugh about in terms of the way things are going, thanks to the erosion of debate, research, objectivity – in short, Reason. One of my favourite incarnations of this is the AIBU (Am I Being Unreasonable) thread in the Mumsnet web site. Indeed, I wrote in on one occasion, asking: AIBU to expect my Local Authority to provide my son with his legal right to an education? However, one of these recently tickled me tremendously: AIBU to refuse to allow my child to attend a Pirate-themed birthday party? The correspondent went on to point out that Pirates have always been responsible for theft, rape and pillaging, and that they are now responsible for people-trafficking among other transgressions. Naturally, many respondents told her to wind her neck in, and felt sorry for her child, who won’t be going to any parties, by the looks of things. I wondered whether to submit a wry contribution of my own, imploring the banning of children singing, ‘I’m Henry VIII, I am’ lest it predispose them to develop a penchant for decapitation.
Therefore, am I being unreasonable to suggest a rating for different types of ‘armour’ to be used during the Zombie Apocalypse, in its current COVID-19 incarnation? I considered various possibilities:
The Hijab: porous fabric, but with the capability to slow down germ inhalation by being pulled across the mouth and nose; can preserve anonymity when shoplifting toilet roll and antibacterial hand gel; rating – 6 out of 10
The Balaclava: similar properties to the Hijab; rating – 6 out of 10
The Burqa: porous fabric, but with greater capabilities for stashing stolen loo roll, antibacterial gels and other survival sundries; rating – 7-8 out of 10
Deep Sea Diving Helmet: enhanced by oxygen pack and certainly a barrier to germ inhalation; rating – 7-8 out of 10
Deep Sea Diving Suit: this ranks alongside Dalek and Cyberman outfit for impregnability. However, stairs can be a problem, particularly when attempting to steal toilet rolls. Rating – 9 out of 10
Plague Doctor Mask: this is my favourite, since I can fill the ‘beak’ with Andrex wipes and, if times are hard, my son and I can fashion our own out of papier-mache. I am giving this a 9-10 out of 10 rating, as I am biased.
There are also, let us not forget, certain, perhaps impregnable people, such as the drunken handyman who lives across the road from me. Like me, he has been to rehab but, unlike me, he continued to drink. Any germs are repelled immediately by the force-field of ‘pickledom’ which his bloodstream has guaranteed. He has ‘achieved the dream’ by being a builder and handyman with incredible skill, who has customised his family home superbly over the years, still drinks a great deal per day but seems, frankly, immortal.
My own contribution to the Coronavirus hysteria is that I will continue to wash my hands as I have always done, and I will cover my face when I cough or sneeze as I was taught to do in school what seems a million years ago. I may, however, purchase a pump-action water pistol and fill it with Dettol and TCP so that, if I see anyone coughing or sneezing without covering their face, I can open fire and douse the motherfucker.
Fascinating Purgatory - A Guided Tour 